The 5 Languages of Love
Have you ever wondered how people manage to stay together for years? I used to be under the impression that the honeymoon stage of a relationship is supposed to last a lifetime. And if it didn’t, they weren’t “the one”. I believed love was supposed to be effortless. That it happened TO you and FOR you. But as I’ve grown wiser, I’ve learned that in order for the honeymoon stage to last forever, both parties need to decide every single day to put in the effort and keep the commitment. What happens, though, when you are putting in the work and telling them that you love them, but it seems like they still don’t feel the love? After reading “5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, it became obvious that two people in love could be speaking two different love languages. Below I break down those 5 languages so you can get an idea of why the communication between you and your lover might be off and how to get back on to the same frequency. All the languages are important in a relationship, but each of us has a dominant language that if not satisfied, we could feel as though the person we are with does not love us at all, no matter what else they might be doing to convey it. Keep in mind that the point of this is to help you understand your partner’s language (so that you may learn to speak it) and not necessarily help you communicate yours. Above all “relationship advice”, communication is the most important aspect. The most important part about communication, is learning how to listen.
Words of Affirmation
The dialects that make up this love language include words of encouragement, words of praise and kind words. For someone whose dominant love language is words of affirmation, it doesn’t matter what else you might do for them. If on a regular basis you’re not encouraging them, if you don’t recognize their accomplishments or you’re not saying words in the nicest way (sometimes it’s how you say it rather than what you’re saying), then your love is not getting very far. To them, your affirmations are confirming their worth. Your words hold the most weight. That’s why it’s important to also understand that if you’re using unkind words (even if you’re joking) or no words at all, it could hurt your significant other or even worse, make them feel as though you don’t love them at all.
Tip: Assuming they “already know” they look good or that you love them is a one-way ticket out of that relationship. It doesn’t matter the number of compliments they might get from other people, the compliments from those who are important to them are the compliments they allow room for.
Test it out: Watch the reaction of your lover when you compliment their look or tell them you adored something they did. If they light up, it might be a sign that words of affirmation are what translates your love to them.
Acts of Service
Someone whose dominant love language is acts of service live by the motto “actions speak louder than words”. The opposite says, “every man for themselves”. Performing acts for this lover tells them you don’t take them for granted. That you two are in this relationship together. An important thing to keep in mind about this language is that it requires actions with no strings attached. You don’t wash the dishes hoping that you’ll get some play time later in the bedroom.
Tip: These actions don’t need to be insanely technical. Your lover isn’t expecting you to replace their electrical panel or cook a 3-course meal. But taking out the garbage or whipping together a sandwich without them having to ask says a lot to someone whose dominant love language is this one.
Test it out: Do something for your lover that they aren’t expecting and take note of their reaction. If they express their appreciation, you might have succeeded. But if they have a negative reaction, they might take it as an insult and it’s time to abort mission. Keep in mind, expressing your love should enhance their lives. Knowing what not to do, is as important as knowing what to do.
Gifts
A gift is an object that says, “I was thinking about you”. For those whose dominant love language is gifting, it’s not about the price of the gift, it’s about the meaning behind it. Being able to express your love through gifts can be a tough task to perfect because it requires you to actually think about your lover. You need to ask questions like “what interests do they have? What are they always bringing up in conversation?”. Gifts without meaning can actually deliver the message of “I don’t have time to think about you or love you so here is something shiny”. You can imagine the effects in a scenario of an absent parent who attempts to buy the love of their child. They can call BS a mile away. Counterfeit gifting is designed to replace real love and someone whose dominant love language is gifting, will notice. They might still thank you but don’t be surprised if it ends up in the back of a closet to collect dust.
Tip: Take a look around your lovers living space. Do you notice random gifts out on display? If so, it might be a sign that they hold a high value on the objects they’ve been gifted by the significant people in their lives. For me, personally, I know this is not at all my dominant love language because I’ve always been the girlfriend that says “please don’t get me a teddy bear. It’ll end up in the donation pile next year”.
Test it out: Gifting can be as simple as a seashell you bring back from a beach day that says, “I wish you were there with me”. Watch what they do with this kind of gift. If you can’t find it after a couple of months, you might have a “me” on your hands.
Quality Time
The key word here is “quality”; It’s about quality conversations and participating in quality activities. Conversations need to include listening to your lover and sharing your own thoughts and desires with them. The activities should be about letting the other person into your world. It should include activities that invites the other person into your interests. Getting tickets to a game of his favorite team and taking her on a weekend nature hike are examples of entering into each other’s worlds.
Tip: It’s about giving your lover your undivided attention. It does not count if you’re out playing mini golf but you’re on your phone most of the time. The point should be to have a sense of “togetherness”.
Test it out: Ask your lover how they would feel about a date night on the roof, looking at the stars and sharing a bottle of wine and conversation. If this is their love language, nothing would bring them more excitement.
Physical Touch
For someone whose primary love language is physical touch, the absence of your touch can make them feel alone. Holding their hand, hugging them and even a back massage says ‘I Love You’ much louder than anything else. This is another language that might be a challenge to perfect because this one is also about learning who your lover is. It requires you to pay attention to where and when your lover needs your physical presence. They might enjoy an overflow of kisses, but they might not necessarily want it in a crowded public space.
Tip: It’s important to be able to read the mood of your lover. Typically, when people are angry, the last thing they want is a hug. A hug might be required, though, to help bring their spirits back up after a rough day at work.
Test it out: Like I mentioned in the beginning, communication is key. Don’t be afraid to actually verbalize something you might feel inclined to do for someone. Ask them, “I want to make you feel better, can I give you a hug?” Listen to their response and take note on the circumstances of the situation. Are you in a public space? Are they angry or sad? Observing their body language is a vital sign in determining whether physical touch makes them feel loved or violates their personal space.
If you want love to last beyond the honeymoon stage, you must become conscious of the one you are with. Love is self-less. For it to endure, you must be willing to communicate your affection in a way that your significant other will understand it, not in the way you are comfortable delivering it. During this Valentine’s Day season, I encourage you to listen more. To communicate more. Dare to ask your lover “What makes you feel most appreciated? What makes you feel most loved?” Dare to even understand yourself more. Close your eyes and imagine a moment when you’ve felt most loved. What was happening? Was someone gifting you something meaningful? Was someone washing the dishes after a meal? A deep, uninterrupted conversation? Was it something they said that gave you a warm feeling inside? Or was it a hug, a kiss or when they reached out and held your hand? A lot of us might find that the way we love others, is how we wish to be loved in return. It’s not that we are selfish, it’s that we express in ways that make sense to us based on our own unique life experiences. The good news is that it’s never too late to understand more about how we may love more effectively so that we may change the trajectory of our relationships. Happy Valentine’s Day.
