It’s the heavy rocks in our backpack that we carry on our journey. Tokens of the wrongs that someone has caused us. A reminder to others that we are a victim. And for us, weapons of many excuses. Unforgiveness: an invitation for the pain to stay. But forgiveness is the release of the unnecessary weight.
I used to have this idea that forgiveness was meant for someone who did something terribly wrong to us on purpose, and to forgive them meant we were letting them off the hook. Simply because it was the ‘right thing to do’. But I no longer have that understanding. Forgiveness is needed whenever someone has hurt us. Whenever we feel wronged. No matter the size of the issues. It’s needed when someone has broken our trust. Whether they meant to or not. Because forgiving someone is about us, not about them. It’s the belief that what has been broken, will be healed. And where there is healing, there is strength to be built. It’s not about letting them off the hook for the offense, it’s about letting ourselves off the hook for the pain. It’s about closing the case and not having to bring the person to trial over and over again. When we choose to let go of something against someone, we are choosing to let go of how it made us feel. Releasing and freeing ourselves of the moment.
But how can we forgive those who have done us harm? How exactly do we let go? I always try to see more of the bigger picture. More of the person as a whole. When we’re standing in our outrage, our focus is zoomed in on the situation. By stepping back and seeing more of the person who has wronged us, we gain access to more understanding.
When I find myself struggling to forgive, when I’m holding a grudge, I remind myself that forgiveness can be given to me, too. I forgive myself for not being able to forgive. I allow myself to be human. I am reminded of my own imperfections. Someone who’s made mistakes. Someone who is still learning. When I’m able to show mercy to myself, it’s easier for me to show mercy to others. I realize that I ought to forgive others the way I’d wish to be forgiven. Not just by people, but also by God. It’s easier to see the whole truth within us, than it is to see it in others. We see the pain they’ve caused us and the rest of them goes right out the window, leaving behind some sort of monster. But if we dig deeper, we reveal deeper, finding that under that monster, the human still lives within. I pray for them, that they find healing. So that they can stop spreading to others, the pain they feel in themselves. And by doing that, I, myself, begin to heal.
Most will believe that there are offenses so great that you’d be a fool to forgive. But in my heart, I believe it’s always necessary. Because when we don’t forgive, it’s a choice that we make to carry around the burden. A burden that eats at us from the inside-out. It’s a form of uneasiness. And whenever we are not at ease, when we are at “dis-ease”, it has the power to become a disease. It’s the internal chatter and reminder that something bad happened, done by this ‘bad’ person. And every time we are reminded of the offense, in the littlest of ways, we relive the suffering. The more difficult we find it to forgive someone, the more we need to forgive. The deeper the knife goes, the more digging out we must do. This doesn’t mean the other person gets away with their offense. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to stay. And forgiveness doesn’t need an apology. We forgive on our own, for closure. For the start of our own journey to freedom.
I can’t help but wonder if it’s the ‘give’ part of the word that makes us tense up and object. This idea that we’re ‘giving’ the person who offended us anything at all. Especially when it feels like they’ve already taken something from us. Like they’ve robbed us of our limited supply of joy. But by thinking that way, we fail to see that we’re the ones who reap the gifts of forgiveness. Not the other way around. Because the truth is, there isn’t a shortage of opportunities in life that will cause us heartache and disappointment. And there isn’t a shortage of opportunities in life for us to learn how to let it all go. The question isn’t ‘Do we forgive?’ The question is ‘Do we want peace?’
